Swiss Central Bank's Bold "No-Bitcoin" Strategy Puts Safety First And Innovation Never

You asked for more news that makes you laugh, and modern European politicians are busy drafting statements and resolutions that will never leave you hungry for amusement.

In another display of financial wisdom that rivals deciding not to buy Apple stock in the 1980s, Swiss National Bank (SNB) Chairman Martin Schlegel has heroically rejected the idea of holding any reserves in Bitcoin. Clearly, tradition and stability are all one needs in an era of rapid technological change.

"Cryptocurrencies are extremely volatile," Schlegel stated in an interview, showing a profound understanding of long-term investment concepts. Unlike traditional currencies, which as we all know, never fluctuate and only steadily lose value through inflation. Who would have thought that an asset that grew from a few cents to tens of thousands of dollars might be volatile?

Schlegel also stressed the need for high liquidity in SNB's reserves. Because, as we all know, selling billions of dollars worth of Bitcoin on a global 24/7 market is much harder than, say, tons of physical gold.

"Cryptocurrencies are essentially software, and we all know that software can have bugs," said the SNB president, brilliantly ignoring the fact that the entire modern banking system runs on... you guessed it, software! Apparently, the banking software that manages trillions in daily transfers and regularly suffers breaches is totally secure, while Bitcoin's protocol presents unacceptable risks.

Never mind that Bitcoin's open-source code has been reviewed by thousands of developers worldwide. Never mind that it has operated without a single minute of downtime for over 16 years. Never mind that it has withstood countless hacking attempts from state-sponsored actors, criminal organizations, and bored teenagers alike.

When asked if the SNB fears competition from cryptocurrencies, Schlegel reassured everyone that the Swiss franc is "more coveted than ever." Just look at all those cryptocurrency enthusiasts desperately trying to exchange their Bitcoin for Swiss francs. The lines must be around the block.

The initiative proposed by Swiss cryptocurrency advocates calling for the SNB to hold some Bitcoin reserves has been met with the appropriate level of central banking dismissal. After all, why would Switzerland, a nation known for its banking innovation and financial foresight, want to be at the forefront of a potential monetary revolution?

As the Czech Republic considers converting up to 5% of its reserves to Bitcoin and removing capital gains tax on crypto assets held for more than three years, Switzerland stands firm in its commitment to doing absolutely nothing innovative with its monetary policy. Because when you're already perfect, why improve?

The Swiss approach mirrors the Polish central bank's equally brave "lose a lot" strategy. While National Bank of Poland President Adam Glapiński wowed the financial world with his profound observation that with Bitcoin "You can buy a lot and gain a lot, as well as lose a lot," the Swiss have taken this wisdom to heart. Both central banks seem determined to choose the certainty of missing out over the uncertainty of potential gains. As Poland proudly touts its 22% increase in gold reserves—a perfectly acceptable gain—both nations stand united in their fear of those scary, unpredictable Bitcoin gains that might be too much for their conservative tastes.